


the disaster squad (or how to make new friends when you're running for your life)

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5 Things, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Mutants, First Meetings, Gay Mutant Road Trip, Gen, Humor, Road Trips, Teenagers, it isn't an x-men au without the mutant metaphor, mild warning for implied fantasy racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:46:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19828549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: 5 first meetings between Jester Lavorre and the unlikely group she managed to convince to join her on her road trip.an x-men inspired mutant au.





	the disaster squad (or how to make new friends when you're running for your life)

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a convo i had with psychicfemme on tumblr about a mighty nein x-men au  
> https://psychicfemme.tumblr.com/post/185731285072/mighty-nein-x-men-au
> 
> this has...very little of their actual powers. or anything x-men-y. but i like the idea of the mighty nein as a ragtag bunch of runaway mutant kids on a road trip in search of a mutant school so i'm running with it.

1

He's not quite sure what's happening, which is probably because of the punch that hit him square in the cheek and nearly sent him flying. What he knows is that they've stopped laying in to him, got distracted, and he's pretty sure the weird, rising shapes in the shadows are something real and not a sign that he should be in the hospital right now. 

"Fuck this, we're out of here," the guy who started the whole mess says, and he and his stupid little gang all run off. He doesn't bother to keep up any sense of dignity and collapses to the ground. He avoids looking at the weird shadow monsters, and tries to make them go away. He's not even sure if they're something he did, if they're something he even can do, but they are very much not what needs to be going on right now. 

Suddenly, there is a light touch on his forehead, and everything gets a lot clearer. The pain subsides. He blinks his eyes open and sees what he swears, for a moment, is an angel. 

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks. "I was worried because there was a lot of blood but I think some of it was theirs maybe? It looks like my illusions scared them off pretty good." The shadow monsters weren't him, then. That's. Probably a good sign. "Why were they attacking you? You weren't fighting back."

He pulls himself up so that he's sitting. "I was hanging around their turf," he says, "and then they got too close and didn't like what they saw."

"Really?" the girl asks. "What isn't there to like?" he focuses in on her, and gets a clearer picture. She's a mutant, has to be, that or something weirder, blue skins and blue hair and what looks like devil horns and a tail. Makes it kind of funny, this weird blue devil as his saving angel.

"My eyes," he tells her, and as soon as he says that she leans in way, way too close. Their noses are almost touching, but she shifts up to get a better angle to really stare into his eyes. He panics, and goes still, before backing away rather hurriedly. 

"They're very pretty," she says. "Which is the opposite of not liking, really."

"Yellow is not, exactly, a normal color for humans," he points out. "I also have these." He tugs down the collar of his shirt to give her a better view of the gills that have decided to exist on the side of his neck. 

"Ohhh," the girl says. "You're a mutant. And they were attacking you. Because you were a mutant." She nods her head, very seriously. 

"It happens a lot," he says. "You're new here, aren't you."

"Yep!" She extends a hand, and he takes it, expecting - well, he's having trouble expecting anything, but she shakes it before pulling him up with more strength than he thought she ought to have. "I'm Jester Lavorre," she says. "My mom's the Ruby of the Sea."

"Your mom's the Ruby of the Sea?" he asks, dubious. He's heard of her. She's a quite prolific mutant singer in Nicodranas. Among other things. 

"You've heard of her?" Jester Lavorre asks, grinning. "Isn't she the best?"

"I wouldn't know," he says, and tries to very quickly forget every story he's heard about this girl's mother. "What are you doing in Port Damali?" he asks, instead, because, honsetly, nobody as nice as her should be in Port Damali, especially not alone.

"I'm on the run from the law!" she tells him, which is what brings many people to Port Damali, most of them not adorable girls with very rich mothers. "Although, you kind of shouldn't tell anyone because while technically the guy looking for me doesn't really have any reach outside of Nicodranas you never know who might be listening. I mean, I've listened in on a ton of people who definitely didn't know I was listening to them."

"That's...nice." He's not sure if his trouble picking up what she's saying is because of his head or because of her. "Do you have somewhere to stay? Or-"

"Nope! But I have money." She digs into the pockets of her dress to pull out her wallet. At a glance, he can tell she has easily over a thousand in cash in there.

"Damn," he mutters. He's got a few hundred from the work he did down at the docks, but this, this is real cash, and it's not the kind you carry around. "Look, uh, Port Damali isn't exactly the safest place for, well, for anyone, but especially - look, so I'm headed to this school I heard about, for mutants. Do you want to come?"

"A school for mutants?" Jester asks. "That sounds cool. I mean, not to brag, but I grew up around mutants so I am pre-tty in control of my powers, but I'd love to make new friends. I've never gone to school before." 

Oh gods. She's adorable. She's going to get herself murdered in a week, without someone looking out for her. 

"Let's go," he says, picking up his bag from where it fell and ignoring the way the shadows around it lean into his touch. Yep. Everything is going to be just fine. 

2

There is a knock on the window, and Beau jumps awake, frantically reaching for her knife. It's shifted just out of reach during the night, managed to work it's way a bit deeper under the passenger side seat, but she shifts and pulls it close as she looks up in the face in the driver's side window. 

Not a cop. Thank all fuck. It's a girl, smiling cheerfully. It's hard to say, through the tint of the window and the weird light of early dawn, but Beau would swear that she's blue. 

"What the fuck do you want?" She yells, pulling herself into the front seat, ready to get the fuck out of here as fast as possible. She keeps the knife close to her side, out of sight, just, you know, in case.

"Did you know your car is stolen?" the girl asks. Her voice is too muffled to really tell the tone - not that Beau has ever been good at reading people's voices - but she can pick up an accent she doesn't recognize. 

"The fuck are you-" she mumbles out, still just waking up, but she can't even finish that sentence before she gets cut off. 

"Because I know it," the girl continues, "and it's kind of really obvious to anyone who knows this stuff and it's probbably super obvious to cops and anyways I thought I should tell you and also I could probably fix it for you because I am like a really good forger, you know?"

Beau looks at her warily. The girl keeps grinning.

"What would it cost me?" she asks. 

"Oh I don't want money, I just wanted to-" there's a muffled sound from further back, and the girl pauses, tilts her head to listen. "Okay, so Fjord says that we want a lift as far east as you're willing to take us."

Oh fucking hell, the girl's got company. She grips the knife tighter, and opens the door to get a good look at him. Probably a bad idea, but she's quick, and as long as they don't have guns she should be good. 

Fjord is a lean, muscled boy, his skin patchy, who's standing a few feet away with some pretense of keeping lookout. He eyes her warily as she steps out, but doesn't move. A quick glance, and there's no one else around. Not unless they're really hidden. 

She was right about the girl, though. She's bright fucking blue, with short curly horns and a tail and eyes that are bubblegum pink. Mutant, her brain screams, and that means the boy probably is too, and so who the fuck knows how badly they could fuck her up. 

Neither of them move aggressively, though, the girl just sort of brimming with impatience for an answer and the boy waiting for her to make the first move. 

"I can take you as far as Allfield," she says. "That sound fair?"

"More than," Fjord remarks. He's got yet another accent she doesn't recognize. 

"Yay!" the girl cheers. "I'm Jester, by the way." She makes no hesitation to move towards the back and begin to pull off the license plate. 

"Beau," she says in turn. "You don't really seem like the forgery type." And she doesn't. The girl, Jester, she's got on a nice dress and kitten socks and has a ribbon tied around her tail, and if it weren't for the whole devil-looking mutant thing, she would be the picture of innocence.

"We're from Port Damali," Fjord says, and that explains everything. Even the accents. She's never been, but she's heard of Port Damali. She's heard of it a lot, in her circles. 

"Well, Fjord's from Port Damali," Jester says, already getting to work. "I'm from Nicodranas but I had to leave and so I went to Port Damali and I met up with Fjord and now we're travelling together and-"

"You talk a lot," Beau says. 

"You get used to it," Fjord assures her.

Everything about them seems this is a bad idea, but she's never been one to go back on a deal without a reason, and they are fixing her up with what are hopefully some good fake plates. 

She makes Fjord take the seat in front, and Jester sit on the right side in the back where she can see her. It's not perfect, but anything to mean there's no chance of someone sitting behind her and pulling something shifty. 

Jester starts working on some fake registration papers as they drive, and she starts to doubt the whole arrangement just a little bit less. 

Well, and then Fjord tries to change the music to country, and she seriously considers stabbing him, but it's far from the worst arrangement she's had this month. 

3

"Hey, do you know where the McDonalds is?" comes a voice, suddenly, and he practically jumps out of his skin.

"Was?" he asks, too overwhelmed by the fact he was noticed to process what was said for a few seconds. That isn't supposed to happen. He might not be invisible, like Nott, but he is supposed to be out of focus, unnoticeable, ignored, not, not talked to by strangers asking for directions. 

He assumes Nott is behind her, or otherwise poised somewhere, because across their link he hears, _do you want me to stab her?_

"No!" he says, a bit too fast and a bit too panicked, the words coming out far more verbal than intended.

"Aww, man, I don't think we're ever going to find it. Why can't this dumb town have real signs. Or real food and not all these brewpubs." She pauses, and turns to him, apologetic. "I'm sorry for calling your town dumb," she says. 

"It is fine," he assures her. "I am not from around here."

This conversation has gone on far too long. Even if, in her pressing need to get directions, she may have avoided the mental block, it should have been strong enough that, with the option precluded, she left and stopped giving him any mind. Instead, she is still standing there, staring at him. 

"You know, you are really stinky," she continues, regardless of the fact that there is by no means she ought to be able to. "Beau says that I need to stop being kind to strangers because it makes me seem really creepy but do you want a shower? We got this motel room like a few blocks away and we're headed out to find food and it's not like we have anything in there so if you wanted to you could use it to actually take like a bath or something."

"I think I am good," he manages to force out. "But. Thank you."

That's about when he hears Nott's distinctive squeal, and the girl turns around, in shock, to stare at where he assumes his invisible friend might be.

"Something hit my tail!" she says. 

"Oh my god!" comes Nott's voice at the same time. "Caleb, I think there's some weird invisible flying snake here!" 

He pulls together an amount of fire in his hands to ready some sort of diversion to what is surely about to be a disaster, and as he does the girl shifts, suddenly, her skin turning blue, horns appearing on her head, and a long tail swishing back and forth, a newly visible Nott grabbed on to it. 

The girl swirls around to stare at Nott. "You were invisible!" she says. 

"Yeah, well, so was your tail!" Nott retorts. 

"That's a really neat trick," she says. "I've never made all of me invisible. I wonder if I can." She presses her eyes closed in concentration, the swishing of her tail stilling. Caleb looks to Nott, and almost takes the distraction as an opportunity to run for it, but Nott seems entranced by the attempt.

The girl manages to turn herself entirely white, looking very like a statue, or a ghost. Sh eopens her eyes wide, and stares at her hands in disappointment, before taking a few quick steps to the side and watching both their eyes follow her. 

"Aw man," she remarks. 

"You are a mutant as well, ja?" Caleb asks. "That means, ah, you will not be turning my little friend here into any of the local authorities?"

"Turning her in?" she asks. "It's not illegal to be a mutant here, is it?"

"No, but the two of us are not exactly endowed with such things as a house or a job which makes us quite easy to arrest on manufactured charges." IN addition to the very real charges. He is very careful not to look over at the store that they had been casing, just on the off chance she might be able to read something from his actions. 

"Jester, what the fuck is taking so long," comes another voice, and two more people come up to join them. "I don't know about you but I'm ready to give up and just try dumpster diving behind one of these dumbass brew pubs."

"That does not sound great," the guy says. "Do these guys have directions, or-"

"No we were just talking," the girl, who he assumes must be named Jester, says. "I think it's great, I've never been dumpster diving before but it sounds fun. Oh! Meet my new friends. This is, uh-"

"Caleb Widogast," he says. 

"Your hand is on fire," the guy points out, and in an instant he makes it vanish. Stupid. Stupid mistake, but of course he made it. Needs to be more careful. 

"What? No it is not," he says. "Ah, you know, hot summer days, they make you see things, ja?" The look on all three of their faces is evident to exactly how bad a lie that was. 

"I mean, it was, but don't worry, Caleb, these guys are my friends, they're cool," Jester says. "This is Beau, and that's Fjord, and I"m Jester, and hey where did your friend go?"

Nott slips back into being visible again and offers a little wave. Her eyes are still wary, though. Smart of her. "Hi," she says, "I'm Nott."

"Please don't tell me you dragged even more people on to this stupid trek," Beau - he thinks she must be Beau, and that the guy is Fjord, at least - groans. "Just because my van has space doesn't mean we need to pitch up hitchhikers."

“Oh, no! I mean, I was gonna offer that they shower at the rooms because, man, you guys really need to take a shower some time, but I mean I guess since it is a room that all of us are sharing then that is kind of a decision for all of us I guess?”

“You guess?” Fjord asks, raising an eyebrow. 

And then, he's not paying attention to them any more, because there are even more people approaching. There is a new voice, over the brewing fight between the three strange people. “Well,” comes yet another uncommon accent, “you look exactly like the sort of people who could use a good time.”

4.

"You know," Molly says, looking over at the blue girl, "I don't think we were ever properly introduced."

"Oh, you're right!" she exclaims. "I'm Jester."

"Mollymauk Tealeaf," he says, and offers a little bow.

"You know, this whole thing was really fun," Jester say. "I mean, until, you know."

They both look around at what is best described as chaos, what with, you know, all the fire. And the mostly collapsed tent. And, well, the bodies. Molly shrugs. 

"You know, I'm pretty sure I can hear the cops coming," the annoying girl calls out. "We should probably ditch."

He looks over at Gustav. "What's the plan?" he asks. 

"Run," Gustav says. He looks desperate. 

"Yeah, I kind of guessed that," Gustav says. His voice is sharp. "You already saw that Kylre took Toya and booked it. Don't pull anything stupid, Molly, you leave me behind and you run. Do you understand?"

He looks over at Yasha, who's already heading out of the tent, and he looks at Gustav, who looks angrier than he's ever looked before, and he shrugs. Despite what some people may claim, may it never be said that Molly won't follow Gustav's orders. 

"Come on," Jester says, as he catches up with their little band. "We totally have room for you and Beau is pretty good at being a getaway driver."

"I am not picking up even more hitchhikers, especially not when there are cops coming this way literally any minute," annoying girl grumbles. 

"The others have taken all the trucks," Yasha says, coming up beside him. "I think it is best if we make our way into the woods."

"Fine," annoying girl groans, and he thinks for a moment be blanked out and missed some bit of convincing, but nope, it seems Yasha's attractiveness has won the day once again. "But I'm still not taking anyone further than Allfield, okay?"

"Allfield sounds wonderful," Molly says, and he wastes no time slipping into the back of the shitty van that just certainly has to belong to this delightful group of fuckups."

"That means we have time for you to actually read my fortune!" Jester says cheerfully.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Molly says, and he's really grateful he keeps everything of importance in his coat. The best thing about having a coat this chaotic is all the hidden pockets. Well, beyond how beautiful it is, of course. 

"Can we, ah, maybe save your conning of her until a moment when we are not being chased by the police?" the cute-if-really-scruffy redhead suggests. "I would rather not go to jail again, if it's all the same." 

"You've been to jail?" Classically-handsome twunk boy asks, looking over from the back seat, suspiciously. 

"It is not so uncommon a - would you perhaps use your abilities to hide us, to some extent?"

"Oh! Yes! I can do that!" Jester says, and begins concentrating. Nothing appears to change, but annoying girl yells a little from the front seat at the shock of what has to be the color of her car changing quite suddenly. "Now can I get my fortune read?"

He pulls out his deck and starts shuffling as well as he can. He's not sure if it's the shitty van or the shitty roads or annoying girl being a shitty driver, but there are a lot of bumps. 

"You know," he says, "all in all I think this night went rather well."

"You're sitting in the back of a van away from all your friends, on the run from the cops, wanted for murder," the tiny green girl grumbles out. "It's not great."

"That's not true," he points out. "I have Yasha." And he leans up against her to emphasize the point. She shifts ever so slightly to make herself a better pillow to be leaned on, not changing her expressions much. Or at all, really. That's Yasha for you. "And besides," he adds, "what better way to make new friends?"

5

He's not quite sure, but he thinks it must be a sign. He was searching for someone to carry him from this place, and he had not even needed to flag down a passing car before having one presented before him. Stranded, albeit, but that was a minor inconvenience, in the way of things. 

"Hello," he says. "Do you need some help?

They all jump up in alarm at the sound, neither having seen nor heard him approach it seems. It makes sense, their rather distracted with their car, and there aren't enough leaves and sticks on the ground here to make much noise. 

"Yes, please!" one of them says, running up beside him. "Do you know how to fix cars? Are you a mechanic? Like a weird highway travelling good samaritan hobo mechanic? Because if you are that is super cool and I kind of want to do that except I don't know how to fix cars and also I feel like I would miss civilization and my friends and be very lonely."

Another shoves the first one to the side with the shove of a hand and a glare in his direction. "Can you fix the engine?"

"Oh, no," he says. "I was just planning on talking to it."

"Are you magic?" the first one asks, pulling out of the grip. "Are you a magical forest hermit like out of a fairy tale?"

"He is probably just a mutant with one of the stranger abilities," another of their group says. "That would be the most logical explanation, ja?"

"I suppose I could be a magical forest hermit," he says, "but your friend is right, I'm just a mutant who can talk to things. Now, can I see your engine?"

They part, and he's able to get a good look at it. He's never seen the inner workings of a car before. He hasn't really seen all that many cars, either. They look very interesting. Very mechanical and complicated. 

"Hey," he says, "I hear you've been having some troubles, huh."

"What's in saying?" the first one asks. "Does Beau's car have an accent? Does it have a gender?"

"Oh, no, they don't talk back to me," he says. "I can just talk to them."

"Are you sure he's not just a crazy person?" Another in the group asks. 

"I know you probably don't want to go anywhere," he continues, "but if you're able to get them to town then I'm pretty sure they'll be able to fix you up nice and treat you real special. And I think that'll probably be better than sitting out here with a rainstorm coming, don't you? Now, I don't mean to pressure you, but you probably need to make a decision quick, because it's getting late and if they plan to start walking then they'll have to leave soon."

There's a moment of silence, and he realizes he has no idea how they'll know if it worked or not, but then the car roars to life and he jumps back a little bit in surprise. 

"Holy shit that worked," the loud one said. 

"Aw, thanks," he says to the car. Or the car engine? He's not sure exactly which one he was talking to, or if they were different. Huh. 

"Do you want to come with us?" the first one asks eagerly. "Or are you going to keep on wandering being the magic car-fixing mutant hermit wizard forest fairy man?"

"Well, I was hoping to get a lift," he says. 

"Really? Where to?"

"I don't really know," he says. "Somewhere? I have faith that I'll end up on the right path."

"Caleb!" calls out a voice from the back of the van, "if you don't get back to thawing out my arm I'm going to just chop it off!" 

"Oh, don't worry about Molly," the first one says, probably at his worried look. "He got his arm frozen by this super mean guy with ice powers that we fought but he's okay because he's basically unkillable. Anyways, I'm Jester, and that's Beau and that's Fjord and that's Molly and that's Nott and that's Caleb and I think Yasha wandered off because she does that but we'll find her eventually."

"I'm Caduceus Clay," he says, and follows Jester in to the van. 

"You're not going to yell at us about picking up another one?" Fjord asks warily from the front seat. 

"Nah," Beau says. "He knows how to fix the car so right now I like him more than any of the rest of you."

"Except Yasha!" Molly calls out from the backseat. 

"Fuck you, Molly!" Beau calls back. "How long is this going to last anyway?"

"I have no idea," Caduceus admits. "But probably until you get into town. I don't think your car wants to be stranded on the side of the road either."

Beau grumbles something that he can't really hear about mutant powers, and Caduceus adjusts himself so that his head isn't hitting the roof of the van. They're certainly an interesting group, but that was probably a requirement, for a group of people to join you on a quest. 

**Author's Note:**

> for reference:  
> jester has illusion powers. her mom is basically dazzler.   
> nott turns invisible, and maybe some other stuff, idk  
> caleb is a telepath/telekinetic, with the fine control to make fire. very phoenix. much wow.   
> molly is wolverine.   
> yasha is storm.   
> caduceus has the power to talk to things, which is basically canon. after one of the more recent episodes i was very tempted to make him have invisibility entirely because the idea of caduceus going invisible in fear was so cute but nope. he talks to things. it's a very caduceus power.   
> beau doesn't know she's a mutant yet? maybe? she's got some form of super speed. idk if it's full quicksilver or just like ridic fast reflexes.   
> fjord is straight up illyana rasputin except he hasn't figured out he can teleport yet. 
> 
> and, while i think they might be headed to soltryce/zadash, the end goal is definitely them at a mutant school that vox machina runs. still haven't picked out vox machina powers yet because i'm not done with c1.


End file.
